We've all experienced a jerk or two in the middle of a heated online battle. There's that guy that likes to switch on friendly-fire and frag all his teammates, or the other annoying dude that cusses in French the whole match until you throw your headset in disgust. Mon dieu! We know you're out there, so we decided to study exactly which crude tactics infuriate other gamers the most.
At the beginning of our highly-scientific study, our selected gamertag started out with a pristine five stars, with 100% of users preferring to, um, play with us. In only a few hours of online play, we were able to drive that number down to 86%,using a variety of creative insults, many of them taken directly from IGN Insiders on our message boards.
Some of our favorites:
"Why?"
"Because you just got PAZONED!"
In the end, though, we found it takes a lot more than slick smack talk to discourage Xbox Live users. So without further ado, here's our...
Top Ten Ways To Ruin Your Reputation That We In No Way Endorse.
No. 10: In Project Gotham Racing 3, nudge everyone's back bumper, inducing a skid. Blame it on lag and laugh maniacally. If in last place, turn your car sideways and block narrow tunnels. On the last lap of a ranked race, turn your car completely around and take out the first-place car as he approaches the finish line. When he complains, exclaim, "Wait! This isn't Burnout?"
No. 9: In Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06, continually scream Happy Gilmore quotes during your opponent's backswing, like "The price is wrong, bitch!" and "Jackass!" Then, ask your opponent if it's his first time playing the game, and ask what video store he rented from. Tell your opponents that the pants on their customized characters make them look fat. Then, as the shot clock counts down, count along with it, breath very rapidly and scream, "Red or blue? Which is it?!"
No. 8: In FIFA 06, Road to FIFA World Cup, continually pass the ball between your fullbacks and goalkeeper in a 90-minute game of keep-away. When your opponent starts to complain, speak in an English accent and self-commentate the match. "Righto, they are really having fun with the opposition now, perfectly passing between the defense. The frustration on the opposition's face is evident. This match is becoming a terrible bore. Monty, get me a cup of Earl Gray and a crumpet before I doze off. Cheerio!"
No. 7: In Perfect Dark Zero, find a server with friendly fire enabled, then get on a hovertank and mow your teammates down. Feign ignorance. Make sure to say "LOL! It's my first time," every time you kill another group of your friends.
No. 6: In any game, create your own room and boot anybody that tries to join as you constantly scream, "Owned!"
No. 5: Edit your profile to Family Zone and file countless complaints against 12-year-old kids, claiming they have violated the voice-chat harassment policy, getting them in serious trouble with their parents.
No. 4: In Call of Duty 2, unofficially take command of your team and bark flanking orders and firing coordinates to your squad-mates. If they don't comply, tell them, "Don't you turn your back on me soldier! Drop and give me 20!" When your team loses, blame it on their failure to follow orders and their poor broadband connections. When they say that their connections are fine and that COD2 has a chronic lag problem, call them liars and a disgrace to the uniform.
No. 3: In NBA 2K6, hit pause in the middle of an opponent's free-throw motion. Wait 30 seconds, then unpause. Repeat. When your opponent complains, respond, "Wo ist ein toilet?" followed by "You suck at NBA Live." Then quit.
No. 2: In Madden NFL 06, talk about how great 2K Games are. Mention that if this was NFL 2K5, you would absolutely dominate. When it becomes apparent that you are going to lose the game, run around aimlessly behind the line of scrimmage while proclaiming, "You can't catch me!" Quit in the third quarter.
No. 1: In any game, sing as loud as you possibly can, "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air."
