In today's feature, we team up with our friends at Audio Atrocities to shine our flickering flashlights on some of the most frightening dialogue in videogame history. And no, we don't mean scary scary, we mean terrible scary. You'll hear lines like, "This castle looks familiar. A long, long time ago, it was once called 'Ancient Castle.'"
And if you think the writing is bad, just wait until you feast your ears on the "acting."
We've searched through Audio Atrocities' massive library of awful videogame dialogue and come up with 19 of our favorites. We would have gone to 20, but we just couldn't take any more punishment.
So here they are, in alphabetical order so you can easily find your favorites.
Castle Shikigami 2
Publisher: XS Games
Developer: Alfa System
Year: 2004
Platform: PS2, Xbox, GameCube, PC
How is it possible that in 2004 games were still delivering such stilted, poorly-translated dialogue? This is the kind of ridiculousness one expects from a 1993 FMV game. Maybe Alfa System was feeling nostalgic.
Play Castle Shikigami 2 sample
Clock Tower
Publisher: ASCII
Developer: Human Entertainment
Year: 1997
Platform: PlayStation
Somehow, this actor seems to have never seen Ghostbusters. And that woman does a great job demonstrating the technique of "phoning it in."
Play Clock Tower sample
Dragon Slayer: The Legend of Heroes
Publisher: Hudson Soft
Developer: Hudson Soft
Year: 1992
Platform: TurboGrafx 16
Apparently, this guy isn't really saying "nausea." So why, why, why would the developer let him pronounce it that way?
Play Dragon Slayer sample
Dynasty Warriors 3
Publisher: KOEI
Developer: Omega Force
Year: 2002
Platform: Xbox, PS2
The player is the real loser here.
Play Dynasty Warriors 3 sample
Firefighter F.D.18
Publisher: Konami
Developer: Konami
Year: 2004
Platform: PS2
Oh, the heart-wrenching drama. Will someone please explain to us what "fashionate" means?
Play Firefighter F.D.18 sample
The House of the Dead 2
Publisher: SEGA
Developer: SEGA-AM1
Year: 1999
Platform: Dreamcast
Relax. Don't do it. When you want to go to it.
Play House of the Dead 2 sample (Editor's Pick!)color=red>
Last Alert
Publisher: NEC
Developer: Telenet Japan
Year: 1990
Platform: TG-16
Our hero's feelings appear to lack an employable skill set. Also: this box art is amazing.
Play Last Alert sample
Martian Gothic: Unification
Publisher: Take-Two
Developer: Creative Reality
Year: 2001
Platform: PS2, PC
Wait, what did he say? WTF?!
Play Martian Gothic sample
Mega Man 8
Publisher: Capcom
Developer: Capcom
Year: 1997
Platform: PlayStation
Of all the examples of hideous voice acting compiled here, this one might claim the cake. They actually kept this actor's mistakes, then made him the Engrish poster boy.
Play Mega Man 8 sample (Editor's Pick!)color=red>
In today's feature, we team up with our friends at Audio Atrocities to shine our flickering flashlights on some of the most frightening dialogue in videogame history.
Psychic Force
Publisher: Taito
Developer: Taito
Year: 1996
Platform: PlayStation
Zis title has some of zee vurst voice acting vee have ever heard. This clip sounds like a high school drama club treasurer impersonating Col. Klink from Hogan's Heroes.
Play Psychic Force sample
Resident Evil
Publisher: Capcom
Developer: Capcom
Year: 1996
Platform: PlayStation
If there's one voice actor we'd most like to shake, it's Barry Gjerde, the guy who played Barry Burton in the original Resident Evil. To be fair, he didn't have much to work with (lines like "you were almost a Jill sandwich" spring to mind). But we blame him for the shudder-inducing delivery of the line in this sample. You know the one.
Play Resident Evil sample (Editor's Pick!)color=red>
Resident Evil Outbreak
Publisher: Capcom
Developer: Capcom
Year: 2004
Platform: PlayStation 2
As you've already heard in the clip above, the Resident Evil series is no stranger to the rarified world of frighteningly bad voice acting. But if you think the dialogue delivery in the first game is bad, wait until your ass hears the delivery in this version…..baby.
Play Resident Evil Outbreak sample
Rumble Roses
Publisher: Konami
Developer: Yuke's Media Creations
Year: 2004
Platform: PlayStation 2
Ah, Rumble Roses. Where do we begin? How about at the top? We speak, of course, of the line uttered (or is it uddered?) by the Mongolian fighter Aigle before she rumbles with the cowgirl Dixie Clemets. It makes us sheepish just thinking about it.
Play Rumble Roses sample (Editor's Pick!)color=red>
Shenmue II
Publisher: CRI/Microsoft
Developer: Sega
Year: 2001
Platform: Dreamcast, Xbox
Can we play you a sample from Shenmue II? You don't know? Oh….OK.
Play Shenmue II sample
Shining Force Neo
Publisher: Sega
Developer: Amusement Vision
Year: 2005
Platform: PlayStation 2
Here's a little-known fact about the voice acting in Shining Force Neo, the PlayStation 2 update of the classic Sega action RPG. The Developer built a small group of theatrical robots out of tin cans and bailing wire, programmed them to suck and then hired them to write and record their own dialogue. True story. Here's the result.
Play Shining Force Neo sample (Editor's Pick!)color=red>
Silent Hill
Publisher: Konami
Developer: Konami
Year: 1999
Platform: PlayStation
Huh, the voice acting…what's going on with that voice acting? Duhhhh. Uhhh…
Play Silent Hill sample
Silent Scope 2
Publisher: Konami
Developer: Konami
Year: 2001
Platform: PlayStation 2
Sometimes, when playing the Konami light-gun sniper game Silent Scope 2, it was all we could do to resist turning our weapon on ourselves. The excerpt below sounds like it was recorded at a family reunion in a swamp. We picture clay jugs full of moonshine and an eventual visit by the sheriff.
Play Silent Scope 2 sample
Star Ocean: The Second Story
Publisher: Sony
Developer: tri-Ace/Enix
Year: 1999
Platform: PlayStation
The voice acting in Star Ocean: The Second Story really warms us up to our bones, if you know what we mean. Actually, that doesn't make any sense, and neither does the dialogue in this game.
Play Star Ocean sample
Super Bust-A-Move 2
Publisher: Ubisoft
Developer: Taito
Year: 2002
Platform: PlayStation 2
Remember that annoying girl in middle school who, whenever the teacher asked her to read aloud, spoke in an affected Disney/Broadway voice that made your skin crawl? Well, that's what Super Bust-A-Move 2 sounds like. If you can make it through all 28 seconds of this sample, you can make it through anything.
Play Super Bust-A-Move 2 sample
Audio files courtesy of Audio Atrocities
